I’ve been meaning to write here for a while. A lot has happened to make me feel happy, more complete, more responsible. Life has been slowly changing, making me proud of my decision of coming here and of the person that I’ve become.
More and more I’ve realized that family matters and that there’s nothing better than keeping my best and true friends close to me, as they are the ones that never left, even though they had many chances to do so.
I’ve finally reached that goal I had been pursuing for the past couple of years: being good by myself and feeling good about myself. There are hard days where I hate my body and where I question if I really made the best calls, but in general I know that I didn’t. Not all of my calls are the best, some of them were really wrong and I am responsible for throwing me into that black hole I am just coming out of. However, this is the important part of it: I’ve managed to make some decisions in order to come out of it.
I’ve been happy. As Charlotte said in Sex and the city, not all day everyday, but everyday. And I’ve seen now how good life can be when you realize that all odds point to that you will never find that person, that prince you’ve been waiting and looking for, so you find your comfort zone within that sad new reality – you make it just reality and you live besides that, not looking forward to change it, just living and taking the best out of life.
However, once a month, there are these sunday nights when I come back home, after a great weekend surrounded by some of the people I love, to an empty house, to no one waiting for me, to no arms to hug me. I think of everyone else having dinner, having conversation, watching tv or even just cleaning the dishes with that special person by their sides, and I fall in this emptyness, I wish for that sense of belonging, for that possibility of building a life together.
On those moments I try very hard to convince myself that no matter what I do, no matter where I live in, no matter where I go or what I do for a living, that is not up to me. I had it, I had my share of that kind of happiness and it went away. Now it is over. It is empty. And all that is left for me is this kind of happiness, where it is me. Just me. For me. With me.